I finally broke

Category: Romance/Dating
So last night I broke down. I was doing so well. I was so proud of myself. Granted I was a little pissy Wednesday morning at work, but other than that I acted like it wasn’t a big deal. I went out for drinks with Mer. and talked about it a little bit. I went over to S’s house Friday night and helped him pack up or throw out all his stuff. Even then I wasn’t really emotional. We laughed and joked and had a good time. I even took some of his stuff home with me.

In retrospect may not have been a good idea. After all that stuff is going to be in m house and I’m going to look at it and remember who used to own it. There isn’t a huge emotional attachment to any of it for me really. But it used to be his. I wonder if maybe m taking his stuff wasn’t a way for me to keep him with me? Oh, well. If I start getting upset every time I look at his things I’ll just throw them out.
But let me get to the subject at hand. My break down. I want over to The Marks for some drinks and the subject came up so I started talking about it. As Steph. and I were leaving I guess it all just caught up to me and I realized how unhappy I really was. And how hurt that I was. And it really pissed me off. Because no matter how good of a guy he was I don’t feel like he was worth crying over.

I hate crying, it shows weakness. When you cry you show the person that has hurt you undoubtly that his actions have hit home and injured you. And when it comes to men I’ve only dated one guy in m life that it was worth getting that worked up over. And S wasn’t him. I really liked S and he is one of the good ones. I don’t begrudge him for following his dreams. In fact I applaud him. I hope that if I ever get the opportunity that I’ll be able to make the decision that he made.

But it still hurts A LOT. And I want to be so angry with him and I can’t. Because I know that I’d be more upset with him if he had chosen to stay here.
The thing that really sucks is that now that I’ve finally broken down I find it hard to keep my eyes dry. I’ll randomly start thinking about him and my eyes will start to water up. Even while writing this entry my eyes are filling up and I have to stop every once in a while to clear then. I HATE THAT!!!! I hate that men can do this to us. I was doing so good. This is why I don’t trust men and I don’t give my heart to them. I keep on getting hurt. I know I wasn’t in love with him. I know that our relationship probably wasn’t going anywhere. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I was left.