A break through...maybe

My roommate went out of town this weekend so I found myself home alone watching movies and trying to stay cool. Just like Chicago weather. For weeks has seemed as if winter would hold on forever and then… Bam! It’s 90 degrees outside and you can’t do anything to stay cool. Oh well I don’t mind it it’s better than being cold.

I was sitting at home though thinking about things. I was thinking back on the guys I’ve dated. I was wondering why it is I find the guys that don’t want a commitment. They want all the fun of a relationship without any of the work. I realized it must be something in me. Some sort of vibe that I send off. Something that tells them that I’m not worthy of the effort. Honestly I’ve dated really great guys that something could have come out of it. But the ones that I’ve remained with are the ones that decide one day that they’re done here. They’ve had their fun and now they’re moving on to other conquests. I can’t imagine that I’ve just had a run of bad luck. There has to be something that they sense. Some thing that tells them that I don’t think I’m worthy. Because I don’t. I like to think I’m being independent and my own woman. I won’t let any man define who I am. And maybe that’s a little of it. I think a lot of it though is that I don’t believe I’m worthy of true love…of being loved. It hurts to come to that conclusion about yourself. You want to believe that you’ve got your shit together. It’s just that no man has been able to handle you. It’s not true though. I’ve gone out with really nice guys. Guys who could have been it. The One. Or at least someone that would actually care about me. They never stuck around. One way or another I pushed them away.

I think that’s what scared me the most about S. He is the type of guy to be around for a while. Nice and smart, funny, really hot. Someone that is willing to make a commitment. Someone that knows what it is to give in a relationship. Anyways he hasn’t called me in like a week. At least we haven’t really talked in about a week. He said he’s been busy with work and auditions and rehearsals. But it makes me wonder. How hard is it really to pick up a phone and talk for a minute? Just to let me know he misses me. I’ve called him and left him messages. Usually it’s asking him if he wants to hang out and do something. Of course if he’s busy then maybe he doesn’t want to disappoint. But if he’s not he’s just avoiding me. The evil thing about cell phones is that is so easy to screen your calls. All you have to do is program a person’s number into your phone and anytime you call it’ll pop up who it is and you know you don’t want to answer.

Oh well. This is good. It think I’ve had a break-through in my relationship dilemma. If this relationship doesn’t work out. Which I have to feeling it won’t then I’ll be able to keep this in mind for next time. Of course all of cyberspace will know as well if I’m wandering down the same path that I took before. I should go to sleep soon. I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. How ironic, I’m going to start on birth control again. Oh well. It doesn’t matter I knew this was going to happen as soon as I made the appointment. After all I was planning for the future and the future never works out the way you plan.