A break through...maybe

My roommate went out of town this weekend so I found myself home alone watching movies and trying to stay cool. Just like Chicago weather. For weeks has seemed as if winter would hold on forever and then… Bam! It’s 90 degrees outside and you can’t do anything to stay cool. Oh well I don’t mind it it’s better than being cold.

I was sitting at home though thinking about things. I was thinking back on the guys I’ve dated. I was wondering why it is I find the guys that don’t want a commitment. They want all the fun of a relationship without any of the work. I realized it must be something in me. Some sort of vibe that I send off. Something that tells them that I’m not worthy of the effort. Honestly I’ve dated really great guys that something could have come out of it. But the ones that I’ve remained with are the ones that decide one day that they’re done here. They’ve had their fun and now they’re moving on to other conquests. I can’t imagine that I’ve just had a run of bad luck. There has to be something that they sense. Some thing that tells them that I don’t think I’m worthy. Because I don’t. I like to think I’m being independent and my own woman. I won’t let any man define who I am. And maybe that’s a little of it. I think a lot of it though is that I don’t believe I’m worthy of true love…of being loved. It hurts to come to that conclusion about yourself. You want to believe that you’ve got your shit together. It’s just that no man has been able to handle you. It’s not true though. I’ve gone out with really nice guys. Guys who could have been it. The One. Or at least someone that would actually care about me. They never stuck around. One way or another I pushed them away.

I think that’s what scared me the most about S. He is the type of guy to be around for a while. Nice and smart, funny, really hot. Someone that is willing to make a commitment. Someone that knows what it is to give in a relationship. Anyways he hasn’t called me in like a week. At least we haven’t really talked in about a week. He said he’s been busy with work and auditions and rehearsals. But it makes me wonder. How hard is it really to pick up a phone and talk for a minute? Just to let me know he misses me. I’ve called him and left him messages. Usually it’s asking him if he wants to hang out and do something. Of course if he’s busy then maybe he doesn’t want to disappoint. But if he’s not he’s just avoiding me. The evil thing about cell phones is that is so easy to screen your calls. All you have to do is program a person’s number into your phone and anytime you call it’ll pop up who it is and you know you don’t want to answer.

Oh well. This is good. It think I’ve had a break-through in my relationship dilemma. If this relationship doesn’t work out. Which I have to feeling it won’t then I’ll be able to keep this in mind for next time. Of course all of cyberspace will know as well if I’m wandering down the same path that I took before. I should go to sleep soon. I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. How ironic, I’m going to start on birth control again. Oh well. It doesn’t matter I knew this was going to happen as soon as I made the appointment. After all I was planning for the future and the future never works out the way you plan.
    

Summer Musings

As the days get longer and warmer I find myself drawn more and more to the out doors. It's sort of depressing that my job keeps me inside so much. I find it so hard to stay focused on the task at hand. I just want to be outside enjoying the weather. It doesn't help that I live really close to Wrigley Field. Quite often I walk past the stadium on my way to work and envy those people that are able to play hooky in the middle of a work week. Not so much because I'm a Cubs fan, (don't tell anyone that's blasphemy in these parts) but because they get to be outside.

So far this spring I've had to work on all of the nice days and my days off and been crummy and rainy. It's not terrible because the days are getting longer so I do get to enjoy some sunshine. I have made a promise to myself that I will spend as much time as possible on the lake front. It's kinda funny for a little black girl I really enjoy the sun bathing. Oh well my chance will come. The neighborhood festivals are gearing up. The Grant Park festivals will start soon. Maybe I'll even go to Great America this year. Who knows. That's what personal days are for right?

Summer look out here I come!!!

Wandering through cyber space

Category: Blogging
Sometimes before I write here I wander through the other blog sites that are out there. Some of them are interesting, but quite a few tick me off. For instance the porn sites or the multiple sites about debt management. Don't get me wrong I like sex and like man people in their mid-twenties I have debt that needs to be managed. I just don't think it's blog worthy. There are man sites that are really interesting and I'm happy that I come across them. Of course I don't bookmark them so I'll probably never find them again. I do find them interesting and even inspiring.

It makes me realize how much crap is out there. I wonder why I'm so circumspect with what I write and the people I write about. I might as well just out and out name names. What are the chances that the people I'm talking about will even find out what I said?
I think I will. Honestly unless I actually tell people my blog address they'll never know. There's too much stuff out there.
Well I guess anyone that is reading this will make sure to come back now. After all how do you know I'm not talking about you? (Insert evil laugh)

Maybe that's the draw of blogging. You can be totally honest and up front. Speak your mind and maybe someone will read it and maybe someone won't. It's kinda crazy that it took me this long to figure out what the big draw to blogging is. It is a little addictive. Sort of like a combination of mental diarrhea and exhibitionism.

Whatever comes to mind can be spewed here. Maybe someone will read it and comment, but probably not. You can divulge anything and everything that you want to and if it gets read that's okay. I it doesn't it's still between you and yourself. Very liberating. Much more so than a journal. Even though I still keep that stuff for my own personal use. Some of it will probably come out here in later posts. For the most part I still need to keep some stuff for myself. Everyone needs to keep some secrets even if they will never be read.

Really this post has no purpose except to spew more mental diarrhea into cyber space. I feel sorry for the sanitation department that will need to clean this up.

Top ten Movies

Category: Just for fun
A few days ago a bunch of people go together and wrote down their top ten favorite movies. I decided that I'd post mine here. After all I think it's interesting what my movies were. I didn't even realize it until I actually looked at them. Here you'll see what I'm talking about. By the way mine are in order.

1. Say Anything
2. Breakfast Club
3. Princess Bride
4. Clerks
5. Circle of Friends
6. Joy Luck Club
7. Shawshank Redemption
8. Dead Poet's Society
9. Swingers
10. Eternal Sunshine of th Spotless Mind

I think it's kinda interesting that all of my movies have some to do with friendship or relationships. Take the time to sit down and write your top ten favorite movies. Then figure out why it is that they have a special connection for you. Movies are an interesting media. They have this power to instill great emotional response.

• Anger
• Joy
• Saddness
• Laughter
• Indignation
• Outrage
• Political Action

I think it's fabulous. And it's the same every time. No matter how often you see it those people will say and do the same thing. Quite often instilling the same emotion from the first time that you saw it. Well I'm done rambling. I thought you'd like a break from my meandering on about relationships and prospective love. Sort of

Imagination Me

I woke up super early this morning and for some reason I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was pissed. I guess it was okay because I did some thinking, sort of. I realized that I have this really active imagination. Actually I didn’t realize it, I’ve always known it. But I was thinking about it this morning as I was lying in bed.

I make up conversations to things that have happened to me. Or I'll make up whole scenarios about what I would like to happen. I even make up arguments that I think would be interesting. It makes me wonder if I'm always editing myself. I mean in my imagination I am so cleaver and sharp witted. I have just the right thing to say in any situtation. Why can’t I be like that in real life? Sometimes I feel passive and non-confrontational. But I don’t know how to make the imagination me come out in the real world. Does everyone have an imagination self? It’s always seemed easier to just go with the flow. I wonder though what kind of person would I be if I lived my life as the imagination person that I would like to be? How do you make that decision? I wonder if anyone has been able to do that.

Imagination me would be much more open with her feelings. She would know how to express her anger or frustration in a way that isn’t confrontational or whiney. Or maybe it is confrontational and that's what's needed. Imagination me would go balls to the wall about a perspective relationship and not worry about how it may end badly. Or if it won't end at all.

I envy imagination me. I’d like her to walk a mile in my shoes. Maybe things would be better off. But then if I became imagination me what would happen to her? Would she just fade away since I no longer need her? Or would she combine with me and become a conglomerate of the both of us? I don’t know that I have the courage to try. Is that sad? Gosh I wish that I had someone to ask. How do you bring up something like this to a friend... Or a lover even? Maybe that’s why the field of psychiatry was invented. So people could talk about their imagination selves and combine them into the real world. Maybe that’s what we’re all trying for in the end… to make our imagination selves real.

Well off to bed I go. I have a long day ahead of me. I’m sure I’ll think up more imaginary scenarios before I drift of to sleep. Maybe the reason why imagination me will never see the light of day is because I feel safer with her in the comfort of my bedroom.